Wednesday, January 16, 2013

St. Bryan's Day: The Memorial That Wasn't


I've been going back and forth all week - and especially all day today (1/15) about whether to go through with my planned detailed retrospective of my brother Bryan's passing on this day in 2000. I'm torn. Part of me wants to share a wide array of stuff from my archive from that event. Pictures, text, audio, etc., everything. The other part of me balks at being that open in such a public forum about something so deeply personal and meaningful to me. Friend of the blog Diz (100 Fold Christianity) once wrote a deeply personal blog post about a tragedy she experienced, back when she started her blog, but then removed it shortly thereafter, saying she felt too exposed... I think I know now what she meant by that...

It certainly was one of the pivotal events of my life, finding my deceased brother in his apartment like I did. I'd spent the past three days with him at a conference up in LA... drove up with him, roomed with him, ate with him, went to classes with him, etc., basically every waking minute... then when we drove back to San Diego, he dropped me off at my house, and took off... and I didn't see him alive again after that... when I saw him that night, he'd been gone for many hours...

But sooooo much happened in those days we spent together, and in the turmoil that followed, I was going to go into detail here. I was going to share the audio clip of his answering machine tape from that night, with various folks calling to see where he was and if he was ok (he'd not shown up for a church event he was in charge of). I was going to share the text of an email I wrote to him that night, after I'd returned home, my world reeling. I was going to share an article I wrote about his passing, that was submitted to the Foursquare monthly magazine. And of course, photos... of his life, of his funeral, of his memorial... I had video clips too...

But I can't. I'm sorry, I just can't. I thought I could.

But I can't.

I learned so much through that fire 13 years ago. A lot about myself, about life, about family, about friendship, about pain. Enough surrounds that event to fill a book. Maybe that's where it will end up someday.

Bryan, you were a man of many strengths and talents, and I miss you. If you were here, I'd give you a bear hug.


5 comments:

Sally said...

Aaah, you remember your brother with such love and that is all the tribute that is needed. Hugs from this side of the pond to you and yours.

Anonymous said...

Forever changed.

Beth

David Wagner said...

Thanks Sally and Beth. Much appreciation.

Paula Titus said...

You didn't have to. What you did write said it all.

Larry Wagner said...

There is always emotion that sufaces when we reflect on the ones we love when taken without reason. Because everything works for good it often reveals itself when we have slowed down enough to hear. I think we will magnify God in glorious ways when we can finally see the truth but the key is not to get distracted by the fact we cannot see right now. Love is not easy to understand but I do know this one thing... Bryan is and will continue to cheer us on to finish the race and we will see him in the resurrection... Pop